Refresh My Soul

My posts here have been sparse (nonexistent) for a while, but that does not mean I overthink life any less. I recently achieved something momentous, a thing I have long stretched my hand towards, a tortuous and torturous thing that sucked the soul from my bones and left me a shuddering and formless mass of flesh that...

Wait. Breathe.

I am tired. When I say it has left me tired, you may say you understand. You may say that I worked hard, slept sporadically, and trekked over many hills. You would be right, but also wrong. I am tired, but not only of numbers and leaves and physical steps taken. It is borne from a deeply infectious tedium that I did not see spawning. It grew from the suppression of my peripheral view, from the suppression of my self.

My self is worn. My self has waited for my love and shed tears at my neglect. This is not to say that it was imprisoned, but I chose a circuitous valley path that was bordered by crags of ambition and paved with reticence. There was little it could have done, except claw its way up the jagged rock face and pick the flowers it found atop the hill. Occasionally, it would notice its torn fingers, hazy eyes or unkempt mind. Habitually, it would find respite in the melancholy amidst the flowers, not noticing the effect on my soul.

My soul is spent. My friend once said that my condition was a symptom of my persistent melancholia. I have learnt that melancholia is no safe lodging, for it was there that my soul was unceremoniously sucked from my bones, leaving me a shuddering and formless mass of flesh. It feels vacant and vacuous, as if the bit that remains is insufficient, as if the bones have gradually been liquefied in its absence.

I will refresh my soul. In spite of and owing to all of this, I am content with who I am. The soul and self that have suffered at my hands cannot heal or flourish with one day, experience, or achievement. I will refresh them through breath and patience. I will nourish them with reminders that I am okay, I am proud, and I have lived. I will not let the words of others or the voices in my head deflate my soul and self.

I will keep breathing.