Cracks in the Walls- Ooze

My walls are cracked.  I know I tend to speak figuratively, but I am being very literal.  There are cracks running along the walls of my home and they are troubling.  Staring at the intricate tributaries of these cracks one morning, my mind drifted toward what they represent in a universe of fractured souls.  Vices and misdeeds, betrayal and failure, hope and restoration.  Whatever our cracks represent and however we mend them, they exist in us all.  I thought of all that oozes from our individual fissures and what we use to plug them. For me, two things came to mind- compulsions and music.

Part 1- Compulsions

Have you ever been nervous before an exam? Have you ever been anxious before a life changing event? Have you ever felt this sort of distress because you didn't straighten your pen? My friends like to say I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I am hesitant to agree until I have been officially diagnosed, because OCD is a very serious ailment with often agonizing symptoms.  It is, as the name suggests, a disorder that instils in the sufferer a need to complete routine tasks (compulsions/rituals) to satisfy overwhelming fears or preoccupations (obsessions) [I've found tonnes of useful information on sites like IOCDF and ADAA].  Fail to complete the task, increase the obsession.  Try to avoid the obsession, increase the stress. Increase the stress, increase the compulsions.  It is a never ending cycle that is difficult to manage and even more difficult to overcome.  It is not, as people think, about 'germophobia' or being a neat freak.  Each case manifests itself differently, and it is the anxiety that sets it apart.  It is often said that another distinguishing feature is the awareness that the behaviour is irrational and that the fears have no basis in truth.  For those without this burden, that realization seems simple enough.  For those with it, it is that realization that is inconsequential.

I will admit that I can tick almost all the identifying boxes, more so when my stress increases.  This is one thing that oozes from my cracks.  My obsessions are many and my compulsions/rituals vary, but I can list the five that I most often deal with.

• Routine- Nothing to it.  Everyone has one or many.  My morning routine in particular is critical to my day and if my sequence is altered in any way, I worry until I get back home that absolutely everything will go awry.  There are phrases that must be repeated in sequence after particular thoughts and routines for connecting electronic devices.  I have routines for most things, though I cannot say which garners the least anxiety.
• Arrangement and symmetry- Symmetry is preferred, but if I cannot have symmetry I must have carefully controlled asymmetry.  Some things are to be in line with each other or aligned diagonally with a 60 degree angle to the bottom edge of the table.  Multiple circular objects must overlap by the same amount or not overlap at all.  This category is extensive, but not always neat.  Don't even get me started on the mess that a food plate conjures.  Runny sauce is my culinary enemy.  It has no business getting into my vegetables and it needs to learn manners.
• Numbers- Odd numbers.  Volume, vases, books on a shelf, pens in my bag, items in this list.  Even numbers have their place, but generally odd numbers.
• Outsiders' ink and handwriting- Most of us have a preferred ink colour.  Mine is black.  I've discarded entire notebooks because I thought it was a good idea to use another colour and utterly regretted my decision immediately. I'll allow blue and red, but it stops there.  However, there is no "I'll allow x or y" when it comes to handwriting.  Mine and mine alone. That said, a friend of mine has written valuable statistics advice in my research notebook...in green ink... All I see when I look at the pages is a tie-dye sea that I so badly want to pour down the drain.  Alas, I cannot.  So I will rip the pages from the book along with all those that bear the impression of his hand and keep them close.  That will be that.
• 'Equalizing'- This may be the one that makes me appear the craziest to onlookers who happen to catch me.  If I hit my hip against the edge of a table, I must touch the other side against it as well.  If I brush my left hand against the wall, I must do the same with my right.  As I type this now, my right middle finger strokes a key that I did not mean to touch and I must do the same on the left.  It has become second nature, so if I do not actively control it I may turn back to kick a step with my left foot because I stubbed my right toe when I passed the first time.  This goes beyond anxiety.  Not equalizing makes me feel, well, unequal.  I feel my body becoming asymmetrical.  I feel the foot that hit the step first getting heavier and the other shrinking and it must be stopped.

Of course, there are others.  I wash my hands at regular intervals and triple check everything from light switches to data analysis to conversation memories.  Whatever I have is quite mild.  Over the years, I have learnt to muffle my habits, but the obsessions persist.  At some point, you understand that what you have is getting in the way of your normal thought process and shaping the way you go about life.  At some point, you get frustrated that you are still thinking about that ant hill that roused a Mt. Etna of emotions.  That frustration overcomes you even while anxiety canvases your mind in a painful haze.

I often wonder whether to share these details, but I long ago crossed the line of over-sharing.  I remember when I had less control over my most serious compulsions, when they would rule me during the day and haunt me at night.  Those go beyond mere ink colour and sauce, but may be linked to something deeper and so will not be mentioned.  I think it is useful to notice what oozes from the cracks.  I think the ooze gives us a glimpse of the crack's source.  Colour, consistency, composition must all be studied for any glimmer of crud.  Though I have found that there are those who would rather nurture their crud than cleanse it.

Part 2 to follow...