The Appetite of Will

"God provides the will, Kim.  Most treasure, or the people achieving it, almost die."

A woman's voice

It is easy to get bogged down by what we want and, for whatever reason, cannot acquire.  We convince ourselves that our despair and disabilities are somehow definitive.  We identify our aspirations, start on paths towards them and, when darkness looms and obstacles cause us to fumble, we are stricken with the thought that these aspirations may not have been ours to have.  We may be struck by anything from the ghoul of inadequacy to the artillery of harsh incidentals, and our capacity to respond is inherent.  However, the purest diamonds are forged under the greatest pressure.

Every now and then I succumb to my ever present mental incontinence.  I may or may not be the only one to witness the deterioration, but it happens and eventually passes.  What I have learnt is that it is what is gained from such an episode that is important and not one's appearance as it occurs.  I have always and continue to be very strongly offended by the idea of being considered weak.  I once thought breaking down was a sign of such a character flaw.  Now I know otherwise.  Now I understand that breaking down can be part of the process of discovery, construction and breakthrough.

The greatest minds and personalities of the world have all been driven to the brink in one way or another.  Scientists have endured ridicule, disease and countless hours of nothing but intense study to uncover a subset of the universe's many secrets.  Political activists have intentionally withstood starvation, incarceration and torture to shatter the domes of oppression that have trapped their people.  Religious leaders have faced not only physical persecution, but metaphysical warfare with every soul they have tried to enlighten.  Then there are others whose names are not known to the world, whose lives have plunged into ruination like a flash of light before their eyes, and who daily scrape grime from their hearts so their veins will not be clogged with crud.  Whether Curie, Ghandi, Christ or my friend Laura, anyone of note who has ever moved the world or just one life has done it despite pressure.

The quote at the top of this page has stayed with me for a while now.  The source is stated as it is because it was told to me by a woman's voice a few nights ago as I lingered at the juncture between the dream and waking worlds.  She was clear. "God provides the will, Kim.  Most treasure, or the people achieving it, almost die."  It showed me that our will, our capacity to endure and pursue our goals, is inherent.  How much of that will we choose to harness in times of trial is dependent on us.  It also showed me that we often fail to look beyond our own endurance and what we face in pursuing our desires.  What of the desires themselves? The object of one's longing can be just as fragile as one's will.  Hence, for the sake of both will and desire, the pursuit cannot be halfhearted.  One or both may not survive.